Why You Feel Insecure in Relationships: Attachment Styles
Relationship insecurity is a common experience. You might worry your partner is pulling away, feel uncertain about where you stand, or become overwhelmed when there’s tension. For some people, these feelings pass quickly. For others, insecurity becomes a repeating pattern that creates stress in the relationship.
A helpful way to understand this is through attachment theory — a framework that explains how early experiences shape the way we connect as adults.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory suggests that the way we were comforted, supported, and understood as children forms an internal template for how we relate in adult relationships.
Secure Attachment Style
If caregivers were generally responsive and consistent, we tend to develop a sense of safety. As adults, this typically shows up as:
trust in relationships
comfort with closeness
stable emotional responses
confidence that partners care
Insecure Attachment Styles
When early relationships were unpredictable, distant, or inconsistent, insecurity can develop. Two common styles are:
Anxious attachment: fear of abandonment, sensitivity to distance, and seeking reassurance.
Avoidant attachment: discomfort with closeness, emotional withdrawal, or a strong focus on independence.
These patterns aren’t character flaws — they’re learned strategies for staying safe.
How Attachment Styles Affect Relationships Today
Attachment styles often influence how we respond during conflict or stress:
Anxious partners may worry quickly, feel rejected easily, or cling when they sense disconnection.
Avoidant partners may shut down, retreat, or feel overwhelmed by emotional intensity.
This can create a push–pull cycle: one partner pursues; the other distances. Understanding your style helps interrupt this cycle and reduce reactivity.
Neurodivergence and Attachment: What’s Important to Know
Attachment theory explains a lot, but not all behaviours are attachment-related. For many neurodivergent people — including autistic or ADHD individuals — certain reactions come from sensory needs, processing differences, or nervous-system sensitivity.
For example:
Needing time alone may be about regulation, not avoidance.
Wanting clear and direct communication may be a processing preference.
Feeling overwhelmed by emotional intensity can be neurological, not insecure.
Recognising these differences helps prevent misinterpretation. When neurodivergent traits are understood, relationships often become more stable and compassionate.
Why Understanding Attachment Helps
Knowing your attachment style — and understanding how neurodivergence may play a role — can make relationships clearer and safer.
It can help you:
Understand your triggers: Many reactions come from patterns formed long before your current relationship.
Identify your needs: Reassurance, clarity, space, predictability — knowing what grounds you helps you communicate it.
Change repeating cycles: Awareness makes it easier to pause, reflect, and respond differently.
Move toward secure connection: With insight and practice, relationships can become calmer and more fulfilling.
You don’t have to change who you are — only understand why you feel the way you do. That awareness is the first step toward building relationships that feel secure, supportive, and grounded.