Why Neurodivergent People Often Keep Work, Family and Friends Separate

In the world of therapy and wellbeing, we often lean on the phrase “support network.” It conjures an image of a sprawling family tree or a dense spiderweb of interconnections. The implied ideal is seamless overlap: siblings who know your closest friends, colleagues who’ve met your partner, guests at your wedding already linked by shared histories. These crossover moments - milestone birthdays, big celebrations, major life events - get treated as evidence of a well-integrated, socially successful life.

But for many people, this idea is actually quite stressful. And instead of a web, they have a series of separate boxes.

They might have a "work box," a "gym box," a "family box," and a "hobby box." The people in these boxes never meet, and the person in the middle - the "hub” - prefers it that way. You might hear this described as a compartmentalised support network - a fancy way of saying you keep your life in separate silos.

If you live your life this way, or if you know someone who does, you might have wondered: Is this normal? Am I being secretive? Why do I feel the need to keep these worlds apart?

The truth is that for many people - especially those who are neurodivergent (like those who are autistic or ADHD) - this isn't about being "shady." It’s an effective way of protecting energy and staying mentally healthy.

Why We Build the "Boxes"

If you aren't doing it to hide a secret life, why keep people apart? Usually, it comes down to three very relatable reasons.

1. The "Social Chameleon" Effect

Most of us are a little bit different depending on who we are with. You probably don't talk to your boss the same way you talk to your toddler or your oldest friend. But for "compartmentalisers," these versions of themselves feel very distinct.

When you bring two different groups together, you’re forced to choose which "version" of yourself to be. It can feel like two different radio stations playing at the same time. By keeping the circles separate, you can give 100% of the "correct" version of yourself to the people you are with at that moment.

2. Emotional Safety (Not Putting All Your Eggs in One Basket)

Think of it like a ship with different compartments. If the ship hits an iceberg and one area starts to flood, the crew shuts the heavy steel doors to keep the rest of the ship afloat.

Social lives can be the same. If you have a terrible falling out at work, it’s a huge relief to go to your Tuesday night art class where nobody knows you’re a "Professional," let alone a stressed one. It allows you to have a safe haven. If your entire life was one big, connected web, a "fire" in one area could easily burn down your whole world.

3. Purpose-Driven Friendships

Some people don't look for "all-in-one" friends. Instead, they have "niche" friends. You might have a friend you only talk to about 80s movies, and another you only see for morning runs.

To a compartmentaliser, there’s no "need" for these people to meet. It’s not that they don't like them; it’s just that the relationships serve different purposes. Keeping them separate keeps life simple and focused.

The Neurodivergent Connection: Managing the "Mask"

This way of living is very common among autistic and ADHD personalities. For them, keeping life in boxes isn't just a preference - it’s often the only way to avoid complete burnout.

The Exhaustion of "Masking"

Many neurodivergent people "mask" to get by in a neurotypical world. This means they are constantly monitoring their tone of voice, their facial expressions, and their body language to "fit in."

This is exhausting work. If you have a "Work Mask" and a "Home Mask," and those two groups meet, your brain goes into overdrive trying to figure out how to act. It’s like trying to run two heavy computer programmes at once - eventually, the system crashes. Keeping groups separate is a way of keeping the "mental load" low.

Overcoming Social Overload

Managing a big group of people is hard. You have to keep track of who is talking, what they mean, and what the "vibe" of the room is. For someone whose brain processes information differently, this can be sensory and social overload.

One-on-one time in a specific "box" is much easier to handle. It’s predictable, it’s quiet, and the "rules" of the interaction are clear.

Protection from Rejection

People with ADHD often experience something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). This means that feeling rejected or criticised isn't just "unpleasant" - it feels like a physical punch to the gut.

By keeping their social circles separate, they create a safety net. If things go wrong in one group, they have three other groups where they are still "doing okay." It stops a single mistake from feeling like the end of the world.

Is This a "Healthy" Way to Live?

Clients often ask us if they should be trying to merge their worlds. They feel guilty that they don't throw big parties or introduce their friends to each other.

The answer is: If it works for you, it’s healthy.

There are huge benefits to this lifestyle:

• Less Drama: You aren't caught in the middle of "he said, she said" between different friend groups.

• Better Focus: When you’re with someone, you’re really with them.

• Resilience: You have multiple "lives" to retreat to when things get tough.

However, it’s worth keeping an eye on the downsides. Sometimes, keeping everyone separate can make you feel like "no one truly knows the whole me." It can also be lonely if you feel like you're always playing a role.

Finding Your Own Balance

There is no "right" way to build a support network. Some people thrive in a big, messy web of people. Others need the safety and structure of their "boxes."

If you are a compartmentaliser, stop judging yourself for being "guarded." Instead, recognise that you have built a system that protects your energy and keeps you stable. You aren't being "fake" in your different circles; you are simply showing different, real parts of yourself to different people.

If this sounds like you, the next time you feel guilty about not "merging" your friends, remember: you’re just keeping your ship afloat. And there’s nothing more important than that.